BRAD’S RANTS

This little entry is going to sound straight out of 2nd grade, and I really don’t give a shit. Sometimes, we just seem to hate things for no good reason. Other times, our hatred is completely and utterly justified (see others), but for this post, it’s going to simply be a pointless bitch fest. In honor of the fact that I recently watched “High Fidelity”, I will count down a Top 5 list, with number 1 being the worst. Lets do this:

5. Tobey Maguire

What good can I say about this guy? He’s lucky? He managed to score the top role in one of hollywood’s biggest franchises, but yet he is just as annoying in those movies as he is in every other one. The only difference is that his role in Spiderman calls for him to be annoying and whiny. Plus, his face reminds me of that guy in the old “Bitter Beer Face” commercials.

4. Tom Cruise

Alright, so this one is a little biased based on recent events, but CMON!!!!!!!! This guy is certifiably insane. It makes me literally want to go and give an award to whatever PR team handled him before he fired them in favor of his sister. That PR team managed to hide 20 years of batshit crazy from us, and he alone managed to wipe all that good work away in less than a year. Plus, hes a midget who portrays tough guys in action movies. Stallone is a midget too, but at least he was ripped. I swear hollywood is run by oompa loompas.

3. Hayden Christensen

Wow, now here is one shitbag who justifiably deserves to be on this list for his “merits”. Can he talk correctly? I mean really, I don’t think he properly knows how to use tone in his voice. Watching him act “emotionally” during the last star wars movie was simply mind boggling. I just imagined Ewen Mcgregor wishing he could take a power drill to his ear drums. He ruins everything he touches, and I wish he would never act again. Unless he was in a movie about a guy who repeatedly gets punched in the face without saying a word. Id pay to see that one.

2. Tara Reid

Don’t get all PC on me, just because I didn’t say actress doesn’t mean I can’t include them too. In explaining the sheer waste that is Tara Reid, there are only 4 words that come to mind. ALONE IN THE DARK. If you haven’t seen this cinematic masterpiece, I highly encourage you to visit your local video store and brave the IQ lowering that will ensue after viewing. I mean, Tara Reid plays a SCIENTIST!!!! That should be enough explanation. How has this girl not ended up in hardcore porn yet? You know thats in her future.

1. Leonardo Dicaprio

Leo, as his friends call him, is the biggest load of Ass vomit this world has ever known. Whenever I hear his voice, I have this knee-jerk reaction to kick whatever is around me. His face is all rat looking, he whines a lot, and he made the biggest chick flick of all time. That alone should require him to have his testicles removed. It’s not fair that dildos like Dicaprio get to continue making movies, but a genius like Kevin Sorbo has hercules cancelled. All kidding aside, I would have totally loved Titanic if Kevin Sorbo was in the lead role, and he threw Kate Winslet’s character overboard because she was actually his evil stepmother Hera. That would’ve been awesome.